Find Balance…Feed your soul…Be free.

       Do not get cought up in the constructs of others. In creating your own reality–your own storyline– the ability to not only see, but to engage with the infinite possibilities of life, becomes second nature…and now, we are really, moving and creating energy.

                                                                            Perception…Ego…Fear.

    All part of our created storyline, compleatly void of of any real substance what-so-ever. Just a series of choices, one after the other, that we all make, everyday.

    Lately I’ve been paying close attentions to the limitations I place on myself , and it’s absolutley amazing the things I have convinced myself of over the years; I have an addictive personality, I don’t trust men because of such and such in the past, I have an athority issue, I am insacure, I don’t feel comfertable in my body, I can’t do it because of… 

    Well isn’t that just crazy! And even crazier, is how simple it is to recreate the storyline once you’ve decided that the old one doesn’t quite fit anymore. I began to listen a little closer to that constant inner diolog that happens within us all. Every little choice to be made throughout the day was acompanied by either a negative or a positive little hitch hiker, trying it’s hardest to steer the journey in it’s perfered direction. Well… clearly some of these little hitch hikers have been hittin’ the sauce a little hard, and totally try to head of a cliff, or into a ditch, and sometimes over and over again.

Well… Today I am making a change, I am looking at my choices and behaviors, as to better my excperiance in this life. I am going to be open and honest with my inner spirit, honor and respect myself as the true Goddess that I am. The unknown is scary, yet not honoring myself is even scarier. Good luck to us all.

 Long time no blog eh’, well its good to be back. And its good to be back with lovely things to write about. I am so surprised by my life. Things continue falling into place in a most amazing way. I am so Thankful.

   Yesterday was my first day of training as a waitress at the Fountain Cafe here in Port Townsend. And to be honest it was the best first day I have ever had. Things ran smooth, I felt confidant, which can make or break an experience. Made great tips, love my boss and co-workers. I feel like I could work at this restaurant for years. The cozy vibe and and fantastic interior design makes me feels sooo lovely on the floor.  I’m stoked!

    But wait…theres more… Just recently, I’ve been really missing my dog named Benny. She is my best friend and I’ve never been without her for this long before. I was in no hurry to leave the Killum Farm, but I knew the trailer was just way to small to even think about having Benny there.  Well… I was in Silverdale on Friday getting a few pieces of clothing for my new job, when I got a call from Oshena. She, the girls, and Pokey just moved into this great big house uptown and they were wondering if I wanted to rent the studio that is attached to the garage. Of course I got pretty excited about the possibility, thus upon re-entry into Port Townsend, I headed straight over to scope out the situation.

     Holy Smokes! The place is absolutely amazing! Beautiful Orchard, grassy lawn, garden space, several dinning areas. French doors out of my studio, into a lovely little frechy breakfast area. The house was the 9th house built in Port Townsend, five bedrooms, two parlors, a huge dinning room with a 12-14 person wooden Dinner table. The Kitchen it so cute with a really old stove and kitch everywhere. The entire house is furnished with time period nick-knacks, lamps, beds, pretty much everything.

     I am sooo excited. It’s going to be awesome! I get to live with my dog, uptown, with the ability to walk everywhere I go on a daily bases. Great room mates; Oshena, Pokey, Lafter, and the two girls ages 3 & 6 who live there half time.  Our place is going to be the BBQ sceen of the summer! I am Stoked!

                               Well thats my update for now. Take er’ easy, Keep it cool!

 As the smoke settles, as I am slowly able to begin breathing again, as I creep toward knowing myself in this new life, I am constantly surprised at the ability to move and flow with the ever breathing, every moving, entity of Change, that no one can escape, that we all have to find our own way of moving with, in ease or opposition, which ever makes sense at the moment.

      In the last week so many things have become clear to me. Lets start with the “Big One” My House. It has come to the point where I must make some sacrifices,there is olny so much time, money, and emotional energy available in this game of waiting, hoping, praying, that something will turn, someone will want the house. But it’s not moving, that someone has yet to show themselves. So next month I will lower the price quite a bit in hopes of just getting rid of it. At that point I will have  just enough money to get myself completely out of debt, and have a clean fresh start. Minimal living expenses will then give me the ability to save money and travel in the winter. And live a wonderful life here in Port Townsend… Wow! You may say to yourself, that’s a lot of change in the last four months. From Living in Portland, to giving all of my things away, to traveling the world, to know be staying in Port Townsend with no savings. And amazingly I’m just totally cool with the whole situation. Every step has been necessary, every move extremely relative to where I am now…Which I must say, may be the best place I have ever been in my life, mentally and spiritually, not to mention geographically (:

       I’m am completely in love with my living situation right now. Living in my little trailer, on the farm in town, with windows that seem to capture the sun, every morning, just for me. I have found some quite space in my life that has been much needed for some time now. I have been sitting in the field at night. Its so quite, with all the stars dancing above. I am there with just my thoughts and the intriguing symphony of frogs.

      I am coming into a place in my head and heart where I finally have the ability to look back on my relationship with Kip, on my relationship with  myself, and take inventory of behavior and emotion, removing blame, cleaning up lost or muddy perception. Who was I before my life with Kip? Who am I now, in my new life? Which traits or habits of personality should be left behind, and which should join me in the future. How do I want to portray myself in this world, spiritually, and in this community, professionally?

   I am getting really excited about the possibility of joining the professional community here in Port Townsend.  Finally coming back to my love for the art of landscape design, for the incredible healing possibilities of working in the earth again. I am planing on getting on with a landscape crew for the summer, then slowly working my way into more of the design aspect.

     I am still playing music, and loving it. My favorite bar in town, the best bar in the world, Sirens, recently asked me to play on a Friday, which I am totally excited about. That is the one place I really wanted to play when I got back to town, and here we go!

                        Life Rocks, I keep smiling, and everyone keeps on Truckin’

    What a trip…what a ride! I am so thankful today. In the last couple months I have learned an immense amount of information about myself and others, how we all interact with each other, and how there truly is no separation between you and I and them. It’s funny and honestly hard to put it into words. Everyday, and with every new experience I am reminded that I am most definitely on the right path in my life.

    Port Townsend has been treating me so well. I’m living in my cute little trailer, I have ups and downs with boys that are confusing, yet so much fun! People are beautiful, I am lucky enough to be living around my sister and enjoying the unique bond that is only shared between two sisters. This is truly and wholly an amazing place on this earth! Not to mention the fact that it’s also intensely fucking beautiful. Probably two or three times a day I find my self saying… “Hellooo, Beautiful! Welcome to Paradise!”

     I drove down to Portland last weekend–just a quick in and out on my way to visiting my brother– And like always Portland is a beautiful, lovely city. Though I am pretty darn sure that I’m totally done there. I really enjoyed staying with my neighbors, Jen-Jo, Jake and Ellery…Love them! But it felt odd to see my house, to spin my wheels down those streets have driven down so many times before. Not to mention I have never in my life lived somewhere so long, Seven years. And with all the amazing places to experience, I can’t imagine why I would go back there. So…though kind of sad, it actually felt quite relieving to have that clarified… It was a clean and clear “good bye” to Portland.

                                         Well that’s all for now folks. Keep the love alive!

When I think of what makes my life interesting I flash on few things, one of which, being the fact that in a matter of three days everything changes so drastically…and not just here or there, but seriously for the last six weeks…or even six months…every three days! I’m in love, my heart is broken, I’m on top of the world, I’m in the pits of hell, oh wait I’m in love again. I must say it can be hard for me to keep up, let alone the people around me. In-fact just the other day my younger sister gave me a total parental type lecture about the dramatic ups and downs in my life. So I’ve been thinking about it…

How much of a role should consistency and stability play in my life? Is it possible at this point to even adopt those qualities into my day to day experience? And lastly…Can consistency and stability be considered “Qualities”?

If I were to be stream-lined emotionally, there is a possibility I would be cutting myself off from an integral part of my spiritual journey. Now of course, just being an emotional freak is not a good idea either. But I am at a place in my life where I am truly pushing the envelope. Doing and experiencing things that my not be considered safe or “stable”, yet in the long run, will make my life so much richer. I will be able to look back, and possibly have an idea of the reasoning behind conclusions and decisions I have made in my life. On the simplest level (well not so simple)…Boys. In every relationship I enter into, be it a year or a couple of days, I will learn more and more about myself, my likes and dislikes, and what I truly need in a partner. Its like trying on shoes, some are amazingly pretty, yet feel absolutely horrible, some are totally comfortable yet lack any type of sass or complexity. How will I truly know if I haven’t experienced “The Shoe”?

So, I am here saying… I love the dramatic up’s and down’s that I’m experiencing in my life right now. And no… I may not always be smiling, and it may be hard to keep up with. But I think, at the very least, it could be considered entertaining, and definitely not something to be looked upon as a downfall in my personality, quite the contrary in-fact.

The last boy I wrote about… who knows? I still have feelings for him, though he seems a little wrapped up in his own life right now. The boy before him, he is a beautiful human and probably made the right call for both of our spiritual journeys. Port Townsend is still as awesome as ever, and in-fact I just went to Portland for a day, which totally confirmed my love for PT right now, and am truly feeling like I might never move back to that town. I have not for a moment had any regrets about giving all my things away. My spiritual journey continues in reading this book called “A course in miracles’ that my step dad loaned to me…awe perfect coincidences. And above all I must say I am proud of myself for taking these courageous steps in my life, and truly thankful that my Mom has been my biggest supporter ever..God I love her!

    So as you all may have read in my last entry…sadly I have been a little heart broken over a man who doesn’t deserve my energy,or affections, for he has not stepped up to the plate at all…in fact has quite clearly has stepped away from the plate, thrown down his bat, removed his uniform and left the field. In all fairness, I must say he is a lovely person, though not only as a lover, but as a friend as well, he has let me down time after time, so…bye-bye to that guy!

    Now as anyone who has had, has, or can imagine having a broken heart, must know it can be quite difficult to move on. Thus I have spent the last month of my life feeling “oh so sad” for myself. Trying, yet not finding a way to get over my feeling of foolishness in the realm of love.

    Luckily, one can not stay sad forever! That silly boy, was not the only boy in the world, worthy of my affections–thank God–and enter stage right, my new love interest…

   OK… maybe not so much of a “Love” interest, more like someone I can have an awesome experience with, including: Laughing…a lot, Movie watching, Some kickin’ Eighties dancing, Some good lovin’, and if I’m lucky maybe he’ll even get me back out on a surfboard for the first time in over 15 years.

                                                             ~ And we keep on rockin’~

  We have come to the end of yet another year… Looking Back…this has been a year of incredibly intense transition for me… I started this year in Costa Rica, the land of Pura Vida, and the begining of my travel bug. In May, after a reallyheavy Spring, I separated from my husband, my best friend, and the only life I had know for the past Six years. The Summer held amazing new friends, reconnecting with old friends and rediscovering a sense of self that had been long lost. I lived by myself in my house in Portland for 6 months before deciding to make the biggest shift of my life. I gave away all of my belongings, moved out of my house and put the beauty on the market.

   Now I am living in Port Townsend, waiting for my house to sell which has been really fun, although within connecting with my old friend and making new ones I have found myself in the middle of a non-stop party. I have not only been drinking, but getting drunk every night. Don’t get me wrong it’s been a blast, yet to be honest I have totally strayed from my path.

     I haven’t been doing my vocal exercises at all, I have my regular Saturday show at The Water Street pub that isn’tfeeling that great because I haven’t been rehearsing, I have fallen off my spiritual path, onto some muddy side street,

                                       … and then yesterday happened…

   I woke up hung over as I have been doing for the last Two months, downed some water and ibuprofen–which has become my life blood–and slowly crawled my way out of bed for my regular morning run…which has become quite irregular. I drove to Ft Worden and started truckin’ my way up the hill. When I reachedthe top of my special little mountain I stopped at the lookout as I usually do. I look to the water, I look to the sun, take some deep breathes and check in with the higher power and my inner spirit. And as they usually do, they tell me “Be quite, be patient, listen, stay on track” and although I hear this everyday I haven’t been listening. Yesterday I was quite frustrated with the way things were going. I have a bit of a broken heart right now, I want my house to sell so that I can leave on my adventure, my mood hasn’t been that great because I have been drinking to much, and I basically told them to “Fuck Off!” I was so pissed I began running down hill really hard! About thirty seconds in I completely blew out my ankle! Even threw my headphones I heard the POP! It was so disgusting! Laying there on the forest floor, I was sure Iwas going to look down and see a bone protruding out of my skin. Thankfully there was no blood or bone. The whole thing happened so fast, I was definitely in some shock. I reached down and my whole ankle was like crunchy jello. I squished it all back together and realized there was nothing for me to do but pull myself up,  hobble up then back down the hill to my car.  It was quite sad, I have never been in so much pain. My heart was broken and now I thought my ankle was broken too.

     I haden’t been able to cry about my broken heart. I had tried many times but it wouldn’t come out…until my ankle released the pain. So there I was sobbing for my heart and my ankle, slowly making my way down the mountain. When my car and I were finally reunited I called the one person I always call when my life is in pain…my mom. Luckily she told me to drive to my sisters house,  which for whatever reason hadn’t even crossed my mind.  Oh my sweet sweet sister, she let me cry and cry on her shoulder and spent the better part of her day being my nurse…I love that beautiful woman!

      After the icing and ibuprofen kicked in, and I was able to get some food in my stomach and slow down, I realized that this injury was probably one of the most incredible blessings I have ever received. I had just hours before, somehow thought it was ok to tell my inner spirit to fuck off. Instead of listening to the directions of my true path I was behaving like a total bitch, fighting what was best and very important for me to do at this point in my life.

                                                      …Moving Forward…

  So…today is New Years Eve, and I am jumping back onto my path with bright eyes and an open heart. I am not going to drink for at least a week and after that if I decide to start again it will just be here and there, and not the hard stuff, just a little red wine. Being and alcoholic was fun while it lasted, but I’m over it. I am also getting back on track with my eating habits, because drinking all the time makes me not care about what I eat in the night, and slowly but surly over the last Two months I have put on about twenty pounds, which not only feels physically uncomfortable, but does horrible things for a girls self esteem.

   I am truly excited about being back on my path. I am only half a day in and already feel so much better. So Happy New Year to everyone! I will most definitely keep you updated on the progress of my healthy path. Send good healing vibes to my sweet little ankle.

                                                         !LOVE YOU!

                                                                                     

Hi Ya’ll~

Sorry for the delay in updating the blog action. My show went really well, tremendously scary, yet amazingly freeing. I’m feeling pretty darn rockin’ about the whole experience! Then to top off the goodness, the owners of the bar asked me to do a weekly show! That’s right folks, every Saturday at 3pm yours truly will be rockin’ steady at the Water Street Pub and Brewery in Downtown Port Townsend….what a sweet, sweet gig.

     My shared housing situation is going just swimmingly, I am moving into a new bedroom that is private and soooo beautiful, I totally lucked out, plus it’s just a lovely house in a beautiful town. I’m still running at Fort Worden in the mornings, and I can’t think of any better way to get connected spiritualy, mentaly and physicaly all in the same activity.

    My blog is short today, but I promise to be better about updating on more of a regular basis. Take care all and have a wonderful holiday season, full of exactly what you want and need.

   It’s truly amazing how easily the details fall into place when I finally decide to relax and go with the flow of life. Release the the worries that tend to emcompase the day to day… absorb and replace that energy with faith, strength and courage. I am thankful for gratitude!

   I have been staying downtown , with my only other option being a school bus…A beautifully wonderful school bus it is…yet it resides twenty miles outside of town. So in the last week I have been talking with everyone I can, and really putting out the vibe for a place to live in-town. And what happened when I finally relaxed and gave into “faith leading the way”? Well of course the perfect situation fell right into place. Its short term, which is great because I am not going to be in Port Townsend for too long, and its only $150 for a month. Shared living, right uptown…so perfect!

   My clarity is spreading, my strength is growing with a fierce speed, and I am letting go to faith little by little, bit by bit, little bit by little bit, everyday. Thank you everyone for sending out such amazingly beautiful vibes onto, and into my adventure.

  Hi everybody…here I am in Port Townsend. I have successfully given away almost everything I owned, my house in Portland is completely empty and on the market…and so I wait. I have only been here sense Sunday and I have been up and down many times. I am really excited about the changes I have made, though I am nervous about how long it will take to sell my house. I started really trippin’ out my first day here”Oh my god! What am I going to do with myself here!”But then I realized the amazing gift of time, and started focusing on the beautiful ways to spend it. I have started trail running every morning for an hour at Fort Worden, which just happens to be one of the most incredibly beautiful places I have run in my life. I am playing guitar and singing, learning and writing new songs…And once I calm myself and stop worrying really cool things start happening. Yesterday evening I was sitting on the back fire escape playing guitar and singing at the hotel I am staying at in town, when all the sudden I hear clapping! So I stand up and look over the edge, and there is a man rockin’out!  He asked me to play another, so I sat down, and when I finished there was the sound of two people clapping. I stood up and introduced myself to a man who just happened to be the owner of the bar that sits below my hotel. He was really stoked on my sound and asked if I would play a show at the bar…Well hell yeah! So I am going in at 11am, (that’s a half hour from now) to tie down a date and time. How freakin’ cool is that.

   So now I have to let go of my fear and embrace my strength, because I have never played in a bar before. I know I can do it! So everybody send out some strong vibes for me.

                              Here I go!