It is strange that I have spent so much time engaging in the internal struggle, the uncomfortable dance between my soul and the unwanted love affair with self doubt…something I think we can all relate to, yet wildly confusing. The struggle awkward and uncomfortable. The outcome is usually dark. The fear that rises up through the belly can be literally sickening. So why do we do this? Why would I ever do this to my precious self?

I am naturally a lover, a care taker, a nurturer. I think of others in almost everything I do. I try to be respectful, thoughtful, honest and beautiful in my movement in the world. I share meaningful eye contact, and the smiles I flash are drenched in a warmth that caries deep into the souls of the receiver.

Over the last decade I have made it my mission to be the receiver of my own love. I am by no means a master. Though I have been finding, the more honest I am about my own true beauty, the stronger and more solid my true love can be for the world. There is no possibility of being right with my path without this love of self. How are we to truly hear the calling of our adventure if our hearts are not open, if we do not believe in the awesome power we all hold, to trust our inner voice enough to follow?

As I ready myself for the gypsy kicks once again, my heart feels amazingly free and alive. The excitement that is building inside of my heart in almost overwhelming! The smile continues to grow…seemingly out of nowhere, my eyes are bright and ready for the adventure! Freedom of movement calls to me with grace and glory! I follow my heart, I set aside self doubt and fear of judgment, I am alive! <3

As I watched my own footsteps laid

Among the flowers and the trees

From the fires of hell to the heavenly breeze

I lay my name down for thee

As the waves create change among the cliffs of history

Washing the memories of days gone past

I will always remember your name

In the song,  the gulls called for you over rough sea

I will always carry you with me.

Claim your stake upon the harvest of truth

Wash the sins and the fear from a landscape unclear

Sing the songs of love, with strength and be here

For in between the black and the white

There is truly no fight.

I would surly die happy.

If I were to die among the leaves and the trees,

An honorable death it would be.

Blessed with the chorus of  the song bird,

 Wrapped in the fragrance

Of tiny dancers all pressed in white,

For if I were to die moving swiftly along trail,

I would die with love in my heart.

Upon my death

All dressed in their best

The lady bugs and beetles all pause and take rest.

For the passing of life

Familiar and right

We shall pause and share in the glimmer.

For if I were to die under canopy of life

A moment in time

Shall I be

If I were to die right here upon trail,

With the wind and the leaves and the beautiful things

I would surely die bright eyed

Happy and free

With my tender pure heart placed upon my sleeve.

(Surely I will not be dieing anytime soon…Just inspire along trail this morning!)

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Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.22): If given the choice between having our lives change or keeping our lives the same, many of us would choose the status quo. We tend to feel that even if the currant state of things is uncomfortable, it’s still preferable to having to deal with the uncertainty and fear that come from transformation. But I don’t think you fit this description right now Libra Of all the signs of the Zodiac, you’re the one that’s most receptive to shifting the mood and experimenting with the rules. It’s easier than usual for you to imagine different ways of doing things. Take advantage of this superpower.

Over the last few weeks I have been paying attention to my horoscope in our local alternative paper, The Chronicle… similar to the Stranger out of Seattle, or the Willamette Week out of Portland, Free Will Astrology by Rob Brezsny writes for them all. I have been reading his horoscopes off and on for over 10 years now…but just recently I have been feeling some sense of resonance. Is it truly a connection to the stars and planets? Is it chance? Is it because I have been more connected to truth lately? The answer I suppose doesn’t really matter, what matters is the fact that my horoscopes have been fuckin’ awesome and amazingly aligned with the changes and growth that has been happening to me over the past months!

Joining life as a conscious participant! We have all heard the phrase “The world is your Oyster” and everyone knows that inside the Oyster lives the pearl! But even if you live right on the edge of those grey green chilly waters of the Puget Sound in Northern Washington, or of the wind swept, seamen soaked traditions, wrapped in the Colville Bay in the Prince Edward Islands…those tasty amazing pearl makin’ treats don’t just walk up to your doorstep with a sign on them that says “Pearl Inside!just waiting for a shuckin’!” If you are drawn to the incredible complexities that the ocean has to offer, then you’ve got to be willing to suit up and head out into the world!

Well, the same goes for having and experiencing a full rich life. Life is truly there for you, but you have to be there for life in return! This my friends is what I have been honestly learning lately.

It’s one thing to repeat the phrases that we have all heard…they make sense, sound good…but to honestly take them in and live them is much easier than blindly repeating them! Life is really there you! It wants you to be there with it, and opening up to the abundance of love and awesomeness has been so incredible.

It’s not to say there will never be long hard days, or uncomfortable moments, but understanding that feelings and emotions are just an ephemeral, momentary experience, is paramount! To understand that we have the ability to rise above all the crazy, wild thoughts that keep us feeling less than, or incapable of greatness, that hold so strongly to the ideas of fear that they paralyze us…to let this go, to open to the truth that we all hold intense amounts of greatness inside ourselves and to move beyond being controlled by our thoughts…this is where we soar! This is where Life meets us with the true glory of infinite possibilities! And this is where true love lies!

Today, let the Libra horoscope be for everyone! shift the mood and experiment with the rules! Take advantage of this superpower! XO

No we’re not.

Well should we?

I don’t think so. I think we should just jump into the end!

The begining.

Are you sure?

I’m pretty sure…yeah I’m sure!…

Monday 8:00pm The ND @501 Studios:

It was warm…80′s…we began to gather outside of the venue. Texas. Beautiful!

I had been watching, over the last 10 or 15 minutes, as person after person, dressed in their specials, began the arrival…ready for something unique, different, entertaining and alive…theatre. Once we had all joined together, buzzing with anticipation for our call we entered.

We had seen the space a handful of hours before when we came for Tech, our final rehearsal with stage hands, lights, and details. It was beautiful, hip, intimate. Dark bar meets theatre space if you will. Nothing too fancy, floor level, very human, we are here, they are here, no risen space above the watchers…interesting…close. Dank hip hop pulling you into an alive vibe.

The house was full. Full of people, energy, movement. We all slowely gathered into the green room, just through the door and around the corner. The space reminded me of some hip old cafe…Portland style in the early 90′s. Cigarette machine…$9.00 a pack to show the times…

We prepared ourselves. Some of the girls dressed with essential oil…placing our head phones…oddly enough we all had them, and if pressed at the right moment, we would all be thrown into the Michael Silverstone world of script. It was all there for us. We had been rehearsing, yet every rehearsal, Michael would change up the script to keep us on our toes, to keep a sense of freshness, a sense of displacement to the whole thing.

I stood just slightly outside of the group, watching, moving my body to that dank beats that were spilling back around the corner…far from nervous…excited…I love the stage. And here I had nothing to worry about. These were not my words, this was not my piece, far from bleeding my own heart on the stage, for everyone to judge. I knew I would be fine…not a twinge of nerves…very relaxing, comforting, yet almost missing something…

It was time. We left the green room and placed ourselves to the far other end of the room, waiting for our que. The lights dropped…One, Two, Three, Press!…and here we go. The piece was only 10 minutes long. It was awesome! Moving about the stage, feeling the reaction of the audience, the energy of the other ladies…only Ten minutes, yet so full of energy…

Then, there we were all lined up and bowing to the people who make it possible to be a performer…the watchers.

How wonderful and amazing…

It was over.

Following our piece, were 7 or 8 other wonderful acts. I watched. I watched the performers, the watchers, the stage hands and the light crew…I felt incredibly inspired! I want to do this…more of this! I not only want to continue acting…I want to write. There were quite a few solo acts. “I can do this” I thought to myself…”I can totally do this!” I want to write my own performance piece!

As I left the Venue I felt full of creativity, wonderment and life. I am so lucky to be here…so lucky to be alive…to be taking part in life…to feel capable and creative!

I woke this morning with a smile on my face. Feeling as though, this last week of craziness, emotions, long hours and sleepy eyes was so much more than worth it! I felt ready!…I am already building my piece. Every time I look in the mirror I can see a small bit of it. I have begun taking notes for myself…putting my energetic feelers out into the world…Here I come I say! Here I come!!

I was not exactly sad, but this week, this last few weeks, has been full of unexpected twist and turns…the daily mystery of life I suppose. People are coming and going, I have been faced with my fear and self doubt, I have thrown my heart about, I have physically pushed myself harder than I have in a long time…I have been very human.

Tuesday I will have a day off…I look forward to sharing my theatre experience…but for now this wild week is not over! I am off to rehearsal, then on to Boggy Creek Farm here in Austin, where we will set up an amazingly beautiful, Dai Due Supper Club dinner! Complete with Chickens and row crops, elated smiles,  burlap table clothes, and the elegance of a Texas evening! I may be tired, but I am still very lucky to be where I am! The tears are dry now, and it’s on with the day!

A friend of mine had given me four cinder blocks and some boards that are kind of acting as a bench, until I actually do something with them. The cinder blocks are all in a line with a bout two inches in between, so it makes a tunnel with some small gaps…that’s where the cat was chillin’, inside the cinder block tunnel.  Again I said hello, I touched her tail a bit, as it was sticking out one of the cracks, but she let out a very soft nervous hiss, so I left her alone. She stayed there, at my apartment, in those cinder blocks for two days. I’m sure she came and went, but that’s where I continued to see her. Yesterday morning I thought about giving her some food, but I am so constantly strapped for cash, and already have two dogs to care for, that I told myself “No Megan, you cannot afford another animal…she is on her path, just takin’ a rest at your place.” and I left for work.
Last night when I got home, I heard a knock at the door, it was my neighbor Tim. “Do you have a cat?” he asked me with a worried look in his eye. “No” I said “but there has been this little black cat hanging around my place for the last couple days.” He went on to tell me how his really sweet and goofy dog, Jake, had got into a bit of a scuffle with the cat. There was some hissing, and some scratching of the face, then as the cat darted to get away, Jake lunged in the air, slipping out of his collar, and in an instant took the whole mid section of the cat in his mouth and chomped! The cat was stunned and never really moved again. Tim was so freaked out, he called animal emergency, took her to the vet, but by that time she was gone. The vet told him that she was a catch and release stray cat, she had the notch taken out of her ear for identification purposes.
I was not shocked, nor heavily saddened by the story, which struck me as odd, because even if it was only a brief connection, there had been one created between me and this cat. I more felt a comfortable sense of relief for her. It all seemed strangely fateful…
I am glad that her last few days were spent on a loving doorstep, and that I had the chance to offer some kind energy. It was her time I suppose…though very strange. My heart does go out to the sweet thing. May this hard life she has been living be behind her and on to something sweeter. Xo Small Black Cat

Our meeting was at 9:15 at Jo’s Coffee shop on South Congress…I always like to be early…partially because I hate to be late, but also because it give me a sense of security and control to be the first one there. I get to pick where we sit, fully take in the surroundings, and find my balance before the other person arrives.

As I rolled up to Jo’s, I could see that it was a fairly slow mornings, which I appreciated, at times it is so completely packed that it boggles my mind that anyone would ever stop. There were plenty of tables available, and no line for coffee, although that didn’t really matter, I had brought my own cup from home…I adore the coffee at my house! I sat down and began to wait…

As I was waiting I noticed my jaw getting tight…I was beginning to get nervous. I massaged my jaw a bit, took a few deep breaths, looked at the clock, it was now 9:20. Ok…I like to be early, but I hate it when someone is late, it totally raises my anxiety level. I got up and looked around the corner, “Maybe he’s already here?” I thought…nope. Sit back down… Then finally he arrives. I see him before he sees me. Short, maybe 5’6″,thin mustache, relaxed NW kind of look with swept over hair and a big black backpack. He went straight for the coffee line which put him out of view for a second. As he came back around the corner I said “Michele?” he looked a little flustered as he put out his hand and said”Megan?”

Once seated and comfortable, he began telling me what he was looking for…”Someone with a natural energy, watchable, which is perfect because I already naturally want to watch you.” He says with a doe eyed look on his face. “Awesome!” I replied….I mean what else does one say to a compliment like that? We talked for a few minutes about how he does what some people call, experimental theatre, although he wouldn’t describe it that way. He told me that the theatre festival that he was invited to direct at is really awesome and very special. Only 10 directors from outside of Austin get invited, and he felt that the man putting it all together has incredible taste!(Which I loved and made me smile because obviously he was one of the people who were invited) I felt pretty comfortable and somewhat confidant as he asked me about my musical, theatrical and dance background…but then he suggested that we move to a more private table(we were pretty much in the middle of everything) so we could try doing some reading. “Some reading?!” I thought anxiously.Oh man! All the sudden I started getting real nervous. All these fear based questions running through my head…what if I can’t do it? What if he totally hates it? Oh god I’m gonna suck!….

Then all of a sudden I remembered…Wait, I am awesome! I am interesting, energetic, I make great eye contact, I can totally do this! I took a deep breath, and with the breath went the fear! We tried reading a few different ways. He was actually having me read in a real dead pan, kind of lifeless way. As I would finish, his eyes would light up with excitement as he would tell me how he loved it! “You are doing wonderful!” he would say. The more support and encouragement he would offer, the more comfortable and free I would become. “This is totally happening right now…so cool!”

Our time tgether lasted about 40 minutes. He told me that he was really glad to meet me, that he was really interested in working with me, and that he would get a hold of me as soon as possible with a rehearsal schedule.

Oh yeah! So killer! I walked away feeling so inspired! Spinning! How fun and unexpected! The theatre…I love! I drove home then straight to work, riding the high for at last a solid four hours. All the people I will meet, connections to make! I have always wanted to do some musical theatre…maybe that would come of this? The possibilities are totally open! The mystery is amazing!

The show is small only about 15 minutes long. It is a preview to the full show that is happening in New York this Summer. We will rehearse only two or three times, and perform on Monday…

It felt so good to relax, let go of my fear and just be in the moment with him…reading…acting! I feel as though I am growing into my true self… Fearless, capable, and engaging! As I open up to the beauty of this world and release my fear of the past and the future, old ideas of who I am..or am not, the world opens up for me, offering awesome adventures and possibilities for true engagement! Very exciting…stay tuned folks…stay tuned!

Today while canning mustard at work, I received a call from a NY producer! What the hell? Why would a NY producer be calling me?… He left a message…I couldn’t answer seeing as my hands were covered in delicious Sweet Bavarian Mustard. As soon as I finished filling and labeling the jars, I cleaned up my scene and listened to the message. “Hello my name is…I am a new your producer of theatre and such. I am here in Austin doing a special performance and my Cousin Drea gave me your number and said you might be just what I’m looking for!…Give me a call.”

Holy smokes…oh my goodness…what?! This sounds awesome! I couldn’t wait for the work day to end so I could call him back, and figure out what this was all about! As the clock rounded 4:30 I was sure it was almost over (the day is done when the work is done)…and there it was 4:45 and clocking out! I went out to the van…rolled the windows down before doing anything, as it is 95 degrees and swimmingly humid here in Austin today, then called him back!…I got his message. No biggie…I left my own message. It took an hour or so for a call back, but that was perfect!

We talked for 10 minutes or so, he told me that the performance is part of this awesome theatre festival that is happening here in Austin that is wildly amazing and full of incredibly wonderful people. There would only be a few rehearsals, the performance is going to be on a Monday night(which is so perfect…Monday is my day off!) and we set up a time to meet tomorrow morning to talk a bit and see if I’m a good fit!

Wow! What a wild twist to the day! As is with everything, there is a chance it won’t be right…but ooh I am so hoping this works out! If you know me, you know I love being on, as well as on stage! I am very dramatic and passionate…not to mention loud, which is perfect for theatre!

We are meeting tomorrow morning 9:15am at Jo’s Coffee on South Congress!

Him: Brown hair, mustache, short

Me: Tall, red hair, big ol’ smile

Stay tuned folks, and cross your fingers for me…this could be so awesome!!!

But wait…this is life! And life never serves up the lessons of the moment the way you think it will…what fun would that be right? So lemonade out of lemons?…or should I say road trip!

I may be broke, but I do have a killer van, and if someone is willing to throw some change at the pump, then who am I to say no? Especially when it comes to a day trip to the hill country for a little dip in the springs! Krouse Springs that is! Heading West out of Austin on HWY 71 our suits were on, and we were ready for fun!

The drive was beautiful! The weather was awesome…Sunny and 85 degrees! My friend Pete is wonderful company, and we were pumped to go swimmin’!

Krouse Springs is so beautiful! As you pull in you can tell it’s not a state owned park. There were signs of personal kitsch that were wonderfully heart warming. As we got out of the van we could not only see, but also hear the Wind chime garden…so rad! I took a wonderful sound clip, birds, waterfall, and giant wind chimes, check it out!

The pool was amazing! Warm, lush, lots of turtles, and a rope swing!

Yep! Today was a good day! “Relax” I say to myself! All in perfect timing!

And here’s a bunch of photos for ya!